Engineer’s Guide to Prayer
Part I
The day after Barak Obama moved into the White House, he stood with his hands behind his back looking out on the lawn from the Oval Office.
He turned and punched the intercom, “Please hold all calls. I will be in conference.”
He walked around to the front of his mahogany desk and dropped to his knees. With his hands folded he dropped his head. “God, I need your help again.”
In his minds eye, he saw a 12 inch square door in a white wall. A voice from behind the door, “Is dat you Barak?”
“Yes, God.”
The door slid to one side and she stuck her head through the door. Her brown cheeks shining in the celestial glow. ”Damn. You is troublesome. What you want now.”
“Well, God, first I want to thank you for getting me elected to the Presidency of the Greatest Country in the World.”
“You is welcome. I only do few miracles of that scale every year. What else you want? You know that I have many other important people to listen to.”
“Well, God, I need three things in my first four years in office.”
“Yeah?”
“First, I would like to have Universal Health Care for all our citizens.
“Second, a booming economy.
“And third, get rid of Osama BinLaden.”
“Hmm. A lot. Is you sure dat is all you gona’ want?” She said.
“Yes Ma’am, I swear. That is it. No more.”
“You don’t care about getting’ elected after four years?”
“You give me those three and I can take care of the rest.”
Furrows appeared on Her brow. “That last one might have problems.”
“Problems? What problems.”
“You probably don’t know this but Allah has a gated compound, like mine, I mean like ours. He’s down on the next cloud, just past all those inferior gated communities of all those minor and unknown religions. Mine, I mean ours, is the best with the largest gates, just covered with pearls and trimmed with gold. I guarantee you, Boy, you picked the right one.”
Barak nodded. “Yes Ma’am. The best.”
“There is a bunch of Atheists and Agnostics camped out under the wide bridge approaching the entrance to my, I mean our, gate. It warms my heart. They look pretty miserable.
“And just about two clouds down, there’s the abandoned Zeus compound. Grass and weeds growin’ up around those giant wall falling down. He and his bunch just couldn’t compete with us.
“But back to Allah. He and I get along. We don’t really love each other like Jesus shot off his mouth about loving your neighbor bs. Now if I get Osama between the eyes, Allah’s gonna be pissed. You can understand that.”
“Yes Ma’am, God. I can see that would rile him up.”
“Well, he’s got a lot of crazies behind his walls and I don’t need to dis him. He can still control ‘em but the rumor is that he is getting low on virgins.”
“You know I would be eternally grateful if you could grant this wish.”
“Yes you would, boy. Now, before I agree, you will have to help. Understand?”
“What can I do?”
“Send those Special Ops Boys in to get Osama. ”She squinted with one eye closed and stared at Barak Obama.
“Can you do that?”
“You bet, God. And you have my eternal thanks.”
Three years later, Obama is on his knees in front of his desk in the Oval Office. “God, it pains me to have to ask another favor.”
She stuck Her brown face through the window in the white wall. “What you want now. You promised no more favors.”
“I know, Ma’am, but only if all three wishes were granted.”
“Two out of three ain’t bad.”
“I agree. But you need to get me elected this second go-round.”
“With the way the economy is going, its going to take an even bigger miracle this time. It’s still a year to go. A lot can happen. But I can try.”
GUIDE TO PRAYER (PART II)
Governor Rick Perry sat at the dinner table across from Anita. He stuck a fork full of red meat of the famous Nolan Ryan Grass Fed Beef into his mouth.
“Anita,” he paused to chew and moved the steak bite into his cheek so he could talk, “You think this campaign is going to be tough?”
“Yes, Ricky, it will be treacherous. That is why I think you should go directly to God this time.”
“Well, Hon, you may be right. With all this prayer stuff that I have gotten into, that’s a good suggestion. I have always delegated tasks but this is important. I will go directly to Him myself.”
That night, Rick knelt down on his knees next to his bed, folded his hands, and closed his eyes. In his minds eye he could see a 12” X 12” square door in a white wall.
“God, I know you have heard from my many minions in the requests made on my behalf up to now. And you have answered our prayers. But this is important so I am coming direct to you.”
The door slid open and She stuck her head out, her brown cheeks shining in the celestial light.
“Is dat you, Ricky?”
“Oh my God.”
“Yes, I is your God.”
“Oh my God.”
“I said, I is your God. God of all Christendom.”
“Oh my God.” Rick Perry’s eyes and mouth opened wide like he’d seen a ghost.
“Out with it boy. What you want now?”
Rick cleared his throat. “Ah. . . You must know I have declared my candidacy for President of the Most Powerful Country in the World.”
“I heard rumors.”
“Can you make it happen?”
“I do have a conflict of interest. You understand?”
“Now I do understand. Yes.”
“Why would I listen to you above all those other seriously Christian candidates?”
“If you were paying attention, my group of thousands of Christians had a rally in Houston. The prayers were loud and serious.”
“Don’t dis me boy. I hear all the prayers of all the Christians. It is a massive job. So sometimes I don’t get around to some. Like the prayers for rain. They will be answered. You know they will.
“But you do represent a rabid group of voters who care about nothing else but my son, Jesus Christ. That may tip the balance in my eyes.”
“Yes, God. I and Anita have always stated our positions that you know are way to the left in the Christianity field.”
“Well, you just keep that up. I won’t promise anything, but I will watch you in the next year and make my decision just before November.”
“Thank you . . . Ah, Lord . . .Ah God. And we do ask this favor in the name of your son Jesus Christ.”
“Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Keep it up Ricky.”
The next day, Anita asked, “How did it go, Ricky?”
“All fine, woman. Now for dinner tonight I want hog jowls, chitlins, and collard greens. You got dat?”
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